Gurgitations

In December of 2001, the world was given a taste of the Segway, the self balancing scooter. For quite some time leading up to that unveling, speculation loomed large about what the “IT” project, by legendary inventor Dean Kamen, could be. People guessed everything from anti-gravity machines to personal jetpacks, frictionless skateboards, and other types of imaginary machines. Steve Jobs saw an actual Segway, and allegedly said,

“If enough people see the machine, you won’t have to convince them to architect cities around it”

Well, here we are, coming up on 6 years later. And low and behold, lil’ Stevie was wrong. It was not city architects who rejoiced, but low level authority figures who got excited.

Finally! “IT” was a chance to be nimbler and faster…

“IT” was a chance to catch up with the “bad” guys… without having to hire “fit” security guards.

“IT” was the opportunity to have an immediately “taller” workforce… and thus, more important.

Segways have probably transformed the lives of these low level authority figures more than anyone else. Just think about how much more efficient Park Rangers, Ticket Meter Agents, and Airport Security Guards have become with these fascinating machines. Not only are they faster and taller, but also they now have instant authority. Everyone knows height means “higher on the food chain.” Get back behind that nylon rope!

In recent years, Segways have unveiled their true purpose: human cattle herders.

Their riders: urban cowboys.

So I got to thinking about the group that the Segways ended up benefiting, and I saw a glaring “opportunity” in my own job. Thus, the subject of this post:

The Business Segway

Once you really start thinking about it, it is unbearable that Cubicle Architects around the world haven’t already opened up the prefabricated lanes of management criss-crossing our beloved workplaces.

A manager’s dream, this one really sells itself.

Think of the hourly rates your managers make… Now break down the time spent in daily cube farm promenades, roaming near and far to ask for status and projections. Now cut out at least an hour a day… 200 bucks per executive, instantly saved.

You’re welcome.

This is your instant solution.

• It’s a faster manager workforce: Do those rounds in speed and style.
• Instant management authority: Think tall workforces are only effective in Airport Security lines?? Think again. Tall managers are the rage. Just look at the leaders at top flight companies. Height=Authority.
• Credibility: What’s that, programmer? You don’t think I’m right about how long that should take you to finish? Well, I’ve got news for you. I’m a whole half foot taller than you, I can move with my mind, and I’m literally on an endless roll. Don’t make me get off this Segway and get my feet dirty (both puns intended).

Instant Savings. Instant Authority. And Finally, Workplace Efficiency.